We are planting trees.
Some have sat in the nursery a long time, waiting for us to prepare good earth.
My breath catches as I ease this one out of its pot. Its roots are bound.
I have to break up them up otherwise they’ll stay growing in circles and the tree never grow tall.
It will live like it’s still got the limits of a 4x6 pot – when in fact all around is fertile soil.
My hand is tentative as I work the roots.
You see, I know what it’s like – this sudden shock.
To have every part of where you thought you were going and growing to, suddenly exposed to naked air. Everything you thought to be truth abruptly in question. Sudden blank space where you thought there would be solid ground.
It stuns you. It winds you. It’s scary and hurts more than a little.
It can feel lonely and lost.
It causes you to question:
‘What is right?’ ‘What is good?’ “What do I really want anyway?’
Nothing feels certain for a while.
But in the end, I’ve come to give thanks for this process. In fact, I know that to grow I’m sure to repeat it.
Just like this tree, we each of us have things in our roots that would keep us bound and small. We don’t always see them, these patterns of growth that keep leading us toward pain and restriction.
Life has led us to view some errors as truth, some truth as error. There is a great challenge in coming to understand that in at times what seems like comfort and goodness, is actually a limit and drain. There are threads of truth amongst the weave of error and humility is the only way I know to grow in discernment between the two, to grow this soul in love.
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| photo source with thanks |
And this is it - I don’t know of a seamless, sedate and calm way to reassess who you are, and to truly make change.
It takes a shake up to break out of the mould.
Some roots are bound to error and breaking that away, breathing into new ways feels foreign and flawed sometimes. It takes faith in things higher to shift forward and expand.
At times, it takes bowing in deepest humility to discomfort and uncertainty, before the greatest truth can come.
At times, it takes bowing in deepest humility to discomfort and uncertainty, before the greatest truth can come.
So I steady my hands and make them firm as I pull away roots from their inward spiraling course.
I know the joy that comes out of this kind of struggle and shock.
I make a good bed for this tree to rest in.
Don’t worry little one, this shock and upheaval will pass. And you will find yourself in a place to be nurtured; a new world of possibilities surrounds you.
All this shaking loose is just you shaking free.
I smile and sigh.
Go well little plant, find new earth, become something you cannot even yet dream.
We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them. Albert Einstein
thank you Mary, perfect timing again!
ReplyDeletelove
Teresa
Thank you Mary .. between this sharing & Luli posting on Divine Love forum what AJ said about us believing addictions will make us happy in the future when all proof exists to the contrary & how crazy it is to believe that lie (from The Facade Self) ... I have a whole new understanding of the futility of the way I have been living ... which is causing my desire to grow to do something about it ... it just seems so clear now ...
ReplyDeleteBravo!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful...thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteMary this is really hard to say. I've noticed in you and others in the talks an almost obsession on how hard the process is and how terrible the emotions are. I think I've heard you use the words train wreck..to describe the moving towards our wounded selves. This focus on it being really hard disturbs me I suppose because it makes me think that it's impossible to make any progress and also when I listen to the mediumship AJ is very encouraging to people in spirit that even a little amount of processing can change their condition. Please correct me if I'm completely missing the point.
ReplyDeleteAmanda.
Hi Amanda,
DeleteThanks so much for this comment. To be honest this post and other related things have been bugging me all day, so I think it is so perfect that you would raise what you have now.
Over the last six months, I have realised how obsessed I have been (since meeting AJ) with the drama and 'hardness' of it this process/ my life etc. There is no doubt that there was a lot of upheaval for me at that time and in the couple of years immediately following our meeting – and this is partly what I am referring to and mulling over in this post. However I have come to see that in all this ‘drama’ I was living out and talking about, I was missing the point entirely.
I believe that humility is a space of embracing our pain willingly, out of a desire to know and be ourselves. In that process we don't even think to complain about the hardship because we want growth, we feel the benefits; we submit to pain as a by-product of a strong desire for God and our true selves. More than that, we are actually thankful to receive truth and welcome whatever pain is exposed as a result because we feel those things are the very things that will aid us in our progress. It doesn't feel hard, it actually feels like relief.
So I know that I have missed the mark of humility for a long time- because I was complaining about it, feeling it was all ‘too hard’. All the while not realising that the state I was living in was much harder and slower and counterproductive. It was addictive and also a poor representation of the truth that we teach. Now it really bothers me when I find I slip back to that state.
Lately I have felt change in myself and growth. I have begun to welcome this process, instead of whinge and complain about it, and there is so much more joy in my life as a result. In fact, I think when I recently referred to my pain as a 'train wreck in the distance' I was making a bit of a joke and simultaneously letting people know that its never as bad as they make out; that we have the opportunity to stop making excuses for ourselves, and just get on with feeling things and practicing love with each other. This, loving one and another and being in service to one and other, I feel very strongly about. And I don’t think now that it’s as hard as we have all been making out. It’s simply a decision, maybe a series of decisions, to become humble. We can each of us achieve that right now.
It will involve pain, and as I mention in the post feeling uncertain and lost at times, but it doesn’t have to feel like a 'big burden' or 'hardship'. It’s all about how we use our will and what we desire. If we embrace the process, we flourish, if we fight it and begrudge it, it becomes ‘all too hard’.
cont.
cont. from above
DeleteAt times, I look around in talks and to people that we know, and I see myself - this ‘its all too hard’ injury -nreflected back at me. I cringe and have to breathe deep about it because I know that partly I have fostered this type of feeling in others, by maintaining it in myself for so long. And in all honesty, I do still have a large amount of fear about truly living humbly to all of my emotions. I definitely feel less inclined to complain about things these days and I certainly experience far more joy but I’m still quaking in my boots lots of times!
When it comes to this post – honestly I think sometimes I get a bit carried away with the metaphor of it all, and the reflecting on my process. I write it down. I post it. Then it bugs me because the sentiment I wrote it in is not entirely pure. There are still parts of me that prefer to discuss stuff rather than just be humble to it. I look outwards for validation, because inside I’m still grappling with how huge and altering these experiences have been. And while I’m a little embarrassed to admit that publicly, I’m also glad for the opportunity.
Today, I was actually composing a post along these lines in my head. I’m not sure if it will eventuate but I’m very grateful for your honesty here as it’s helped me to connect to some more clarity.
Let me say again – I truly believe that this process is the hardest when we fight it. When we embrace it, it can feel like the sweetest kind of homecoming. It takes courage, but feeling our pain is not as bad as we think. Especially when I compare it to the kind of life I create when I live in avoidance of it.
I hope that all makes sense. In the mulling over before I wrote the post I was really feeling that the upheaval of change can be so joyous if we just embrace the pain of it. In the past I haven't been so humble to it, and as I wrote 'bound', I realised that I still have some grieving to do about it all.
Love to you,
M
Mary
ReplyDeleteTo be honest I felt like a right cow after writing it and I'm pretty sure all my motives are not entirely pure. .
Also you've done a great many pretty scarey and public things and I haven't....so I felt afterwards I didn't have the right to say anything to you because I haven't yet done it myself. Especially writing it all down here, you get to let it all "hang out" for the world and yourself to see. That's courageous. I've often written stuff on the facebook group and then immediately seen the error in what I'd said and sometimes wiped it out.
Lastly, I am with you on this because I've spent my whole life not doing things because I think they are too hard, so I have sat with the question of why do I feel soul-work and feeling the pain is so hard. I came up with something that feels even scarier and oh ever so slightly arrogant...but really we might be terrified of our beauty. The truth is, as we grow in love and in particular if we receive God's love we are going to become more beautiful to the point of dazzling and ATTRACT ATTENTION. Have you seen what happens to people like that in this world? Surely this journey is the most beautiful gift we could ever give ourselves and the world and yet we know the world will want to ridicule something so beautiful and precious. I'm sure you've had your fair share of that already.
Love to you too.
A little share for you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OVKka0RbnYw
Amanda
Yes, Amanda, sadly this has been exactly my complaint for a long time. I’ve felt that my growth towards God will mean unwanted attention, severe scrutiny and a lack of privacy. But my biggest fear has been that our growth means DANGER, even death for my partner. So while I’ve felt passionate about these truths and sharing them with others (I haven’t perceived the same kind of threat applies to them), deep down I have felt that for me to truly embrace myself and the path will only mean more suffering.
DeleteIt was a difficult thing to face - but I did eventually come to see that I actually wanted to fail at all of this because of all the bad things I believed would happen if I did anything else.
Then I had the deep realization that this stance was placing absolutely no faith in God and His Loving Laws that I see demonstrated in many ways all around me, including through examining Fred’s journey in the spirit world.
While I staunchly defended my fears and nightmare predictions as truth, it helped me justify complaint and protest e.g. ‘it’s all too hard’, ‘its not worth it’. I just got tired and bitter really.
Now I am (hopefully) a more willing participant in growth; recognising that God has a far bigger perspective than my own - limited as mine is by fear and past hurts. Its taking steps in faith, and sometimes I am just blown away by the journey my soulmate has taken before me. I think most people don't recognise or understand the level of faith and trust he has in God, and has had to have in order to come this far.
For me most days its still like a big 'face-off' - will I listen to the voices and opinions of the world or to that of God? who do I trust as more powerful? do I believe in the power of love or that of violence?
I know that my mate has chosen to trust God and love - and his growth is evident because of it.
Now its up to me to make choices and decisions for myself.
Amanda, I appreciate the dialogue with you. I can’t analyse your motives - I’ll leave that up to you - but I always want people to feel free to share their honest opinions (as long as they aren’t abusive) and sincere questions here – I believe it’s a great way for all of us to grow.
Thanks again,
M xo
Thank you Mary for your wonderful analogy with the pot bound tree & the shared thoughts with Amanda...there is a lot of wisdom in this for me to reflect on & feel as I have felt quite downhearted these last two weeks, & certainly pot bound! I have a big belief that "things worth having, have to be a struggle in order to have, I don't deserve for this journey to God to be an easy one, I have to work hard at whatever I yearn for, in order to have etc"...I would even go so far as to suggest that my belief system sees "the ultimate fruit on the tree so often out of reach for me"......I know from observing you & Jesus that this is purely a belief, Mary,and an untruth, but I often have an internal battle going on which adds to the struggle & the opportunity is lost to simply Feel what I need to Feel. Thank You, Mary, I am grateful for many things in life but especially to you & Jesus for always being there, sharing your journey with us & so lovingly showing us the way home. I know a new world of possibilities surrounds me when I willingly allow & embrace the unravelling of my pot bound roots; the thought excites me, so taking Action promises to be an all encompassing gift from God! Love Susan
ReplyDeletethank you to both of you Amanda and Mary, again, it cuts to the heart of where I am stuck, and while I can feel I am still keeping it at arms length somewhat, I also marvel at how I get this proof of God time and time again - always, whether or not I notice it, God is showing me, through my law of attraction, the truth. Thank you to Eloisa for alerting me to this dialogue too.
ReplyDeletethank you
Teresa
is there any way that i could join your cult? Do you actually remember when Jesus was crucified? Did they really put nails through his hands? Namaste
ReplyDeletehi! How can i join your cult? Do you really remember when jesus was crucified? Did they put nails through his hands? Namaste
ReplyDeleteMary I feel this quote from Jesus adds to the discussion... "When the soul is in a condition of sin and error it is not responsive to the inflowing of the Holy Spirit, and in order to get into a condition of receptivity to these influences it must have an awakening as to its actual condition of enslavement by these things, and until such an awakening comes to it there is no possibility of its receiving the Love of God into it, and of turning its thoughts to the truths of God and to the practices of life that will help it in its progress towards a condition of freedom." From How the Redeemed Soul is Saved from the Penalties that Sin and Error Had Brought Upon It by Jesus from the Padgett Messages.
ReplyDeleteMary (and everyone else) I had a feeling when I was writing that I wasn't being entirely honest with Mary or myself when I wrote some of my comments above but couldn't or wouldn't look at why. Whilst I don't want to retract anything, I suppose I just wanted to add to what was "disturbing" me about Mary talking about difficulties and how hard accessing and processing emotions can be. I feel there are two main issues for me. I honestly don't think I want to know how difficult it is going to be to do this stuff....feeling that something is difficult frightens me, as then I'm going to have to feel pain and maybe feel like an idiot and be a failure when I can't do it and everyone else can. The second point is that as soon as I hear that something is difficult, I put more pressure on myself to "get it right" than if it were simpler when I might just "give it a go". Which leads me to my main point which I don't want to write too much about because I need to go away and feel all these frustrations but I am incredibly frustrated at not having this "prize" yet of this delicious relationship with God and God's love coming to me freely and abundantly (or in fact at all).I've just started to remember these Biblical descriptions of a land of milk and honey and promised lands and oases in the desert and I want it and I want it now. My reason is telling me that this is just another emotion to release on the way but to be angry at God still feels wrong.
ReplyDeleteWith Love Amanda
OH Mary! You are so wise! Thank you! That is just what I needed to hear!
ReplyDeleteOH Mary! You are so wise! Thank you for saying this!
ReplyDeletethat quote from the Padgett messages helped me Amanda - recently I have been reflecting on how much awareness I have of my errors, as opposed to before, and yet I am still not doing (anything, much) about them. I tell myself that being aware of them is a lot of the battle, but it hadn't made much difference to me... reading it today could. I don't know how much of what I feel is spirits telling me how useless I am and how much is my belief, but I guess it doesn't matter - I should just feel it, and yet I don't. I stay locked in this maudlin state, desiring it more than a state of growth. Yesterday I reflected on my anger and how I am not desiring to release it, yet, I know that I am now aware of how much my life and relationships with others is driven by this anger, so that is progress... I just cringe at the knowledge of that anger, and that I clearly do not want to stop projecting at the world because I stubbornly hold onto it. And that reinforces the useless belief.
ReplyDeleteMary, I am sorry for my last post. It was rageful and you don't deserve that. nobody does. Sometimes I wish I had never opened this pandora's box; I am sitting in a feeling of not feeling the glimmer of hope that there is something incredibly wonderful to be gained from being more aware of my true self - and I am feeling that I am still raging... Sorry for my projection, and thank you for helping me get to this point.
ReplyDeleteTeresa