I was given guidance some time ago that it would be worthwhile to document my spiritual and emotional progress on this Path, to demonstrate my grappling and hopefully eventually succeeding to again master this beautiful Way to know and connect to God. This blog is a part of my efforts to do that. So far, its been a great experience, to say the least! As I've shared at other times I'm fairly addicted to people thinking well of me and so sometimes all the blog honesty gets a little challenging for me. I hit the publish button and go into melt-down. (Think here - 'oh my God, how can anyone ever want to even know me after they read this and know how unloving, selfish, un-evolved, slow to get it etc, I am')
And there are the times when I receive not so lovely comments, yes sometimes even very nasty ones. Almost 100% of the comments that are cruel and lack any real respectful question or considered comment are anonymous. I feel that the internet is too often used as a way to distance ourselves from our own words, feelings. So in the case of the nasty comments I just feel my way through what they bring up. I refrain from posting hateful words when there are so many other places in cyberspace where people are able to do so.
One commenter recently told me I was self-involved, which stung, but hey as the big purple letters at the top of the page say it is 'My Story' so if this site wasn't full of me what would be the point? But seriously, I do have a big ol' false belief that 'If I be myself, especially my sad and hurting self, noone will love me', so naturally there are times here (and elsewhere) where God gives me the opportunity to grieve that belief and replace it with a more Truthful newby.
I really do want to thank so many of you who have been supportive of me! Time and again I am overwhelmed and touched by each and every one of you who receive my broken, messed-up self with compassion and acceptance. Often you meet my vulnerability with your own, you encourage me, you challenge yourselves through these teachings. Truly, you inspire me and I love you all. Thank-you for helping me challenge that big ol' false belief in a loving way.
As time goes on I'm really challenging myself to more and more authentic and vulnerable in this space. I do want to speak more of my identity, what remembering my first century and spirit life is like and tell you the story of my life, all of it. That thought is still uber-scary but I'm feeling more and more ready to share this deeply personal part of life and feelings. Stay tuned if you are interested.
Anyway I have digressed.. My point is that I know at times, with all my sharing of the tough stuff, it probably feels a bit heavy here which is why I wanted to share with you today how awesome I feel!
Today, after a week of big time processing to feel as I do, even just a little more liberated from my fears, is so beautiful.
Just over a week ago I was hit between the eyes with a big blunt truth about still wanting rebellion and even finding rebellious boys sexy. It hurt, big time. But by simply stepping down, through all the layers, I unlocked childhood grief and shame, first century memories, and now I sitting with these terrors of loving my man truly, madly and deeply. Even as I simply own these fears, in my body, I feel softer. It feels, dare I say it, liberating in a way that makes it all worth it. That smell of a sweeter, lasting freedom is wafting my way.
So I just wanted to let you know - Its Worth It!
And even more than that - You Are Worth It!
I have the words of this blog post printed at the front of my prayer folder. I read them everyday. I thank The Kindness Girl who wrote them and I thought perhaps you might like to read them as well.
Wishing you an awesome day filled with God's Love,