Obit for Love

In December of 2008 I met AJ in passing. He was at my parents’ home to give an informal talk and we hardly spoke a few words to each other. I didn’t really listen to much of his talk and after he left I didn’t give any of it much conscious thought but our meeting sparked some deeper process in me - an awakening of a deep spiritual longing that, in my desperate, decades-long, quest to numb my pain, I had also kept anesthetized.

A week after he left our home, I bought my first official journal. One morning I got up and opened it. This was the first entry I wrote. 

There is a feeling of disillusionment inside of me – the world is full of damaged souls – causing hurt and pain. Cynical and harsh no-one is prepared to believe in anything true and beautiful, these things must surely be trodden on, tainted and weak. The power of love seems lost – a fools belief in the face of hatred and hardship.

I mourn the loss of Love, the death of beauty and hope.

I have shut it down, closed it off, left it outside in the cold to suffer and struggle.

Love – I’m sorry I left you – abandoned you.

Can I welcome you back in? Am I strong enough to support you? To believe in you in such dark, dark days? Can truth and beauty really touch all of the ugliness?

Or are we destined to carry on without you? To leave you to suffer and starve – as we carry on using vices and strife to grapple with life?

Should we become hard with a bitter taste in our mouth – striking out in anger, taking power in order to survive?

And as we struggle and fight to take our place in the world – in our corner that we have claimed – tell me who will warm that corner that we huddle in? As we shiver together – our families, our clans, our gangs – in the tiny spaces we have taken with iron fists and fear – then will we miss you?

Will we remember Love left outside in the cold and damp?

Love – we will miss her then and say SHE has forsaken US. Why doesn’t she come? We will miss her warmth and beauty and wonder why she left us – how could she be so cruel?

And so you see the world will end – tiny groups of tortured souls, huddling in darkened corners, feeding off fears and victim hood.

No-one will remember Love.

She will die and so will we all. We will descend into eternal blackness – screaming with pain, dried up with sorrow, skin tight on our bones, our teeth sharpened by years of bitter struggle and anger.

And it will all have been for nothing.

Simply we aren’t strong enough to stand for Love. WE have left HER – forsaken HER. We have seen her as weakness – to be avoided and laughed upon as a silly child’s thing, a trick of the light, pathetic and simple, to be scorned and left to die alone.

Am I the only one who remembers Love? Me, who has shut her out and treated her so unkindly. Do I have the courage to open the door? – For I know she waits just outside, cold and alone and crying for all of the madness she sees.

In fact I want to go to her outside – and cry. I see what she mourns. The crazy fucked-up world so lost that it believes it is ‘found’. All of the humanity so arrogant to think it can ‘go it alone’ without Love. Humankind, that to exist amidst the madness, has itself gone insane.

I want to grieve with Love, to join her outside and cry an ocean of regret and disillusionment.

We can sit by the door,

on the step,

in the wind and rain

and feel forsaken together.

For the only alternative is to ask her in – to give her tea in the sitting room and be willing to stand for her, to ask her to warm my heart, to ask for strength to face the insanity, to heal the pain and then to be regarded as insane myself.

I don’t feel strong enough – to face the darkness –

Will Love be there to take my hand? Can I trust her? Will she forgive me for leaving her, laughing at her? Can she really warm the shady corners of the world – where vultures circle and victims hold themselves together in packs ready to fight threats and murder?

How can the world change?

I want to sit with Love on the cold front step and mourn the death of Love.

In the past four years I've learned that in order to open to love again I have to be brave enough to feel all of the sharp and painful parts inside of me that are hurt and disillusioned about life, relationships and the world that we live in.  

So this week on the blog is a journey of reflection on love. 

One of my biggest fears is still opening to and trusting love again. There is a huge dam of grief inside that the healing warmth of love threatens to burst open. So I'm writing on a mission - to foster courage and trust in this process.

Join me if you desire. 

If you write a blog and want to share your reflections on love in response to each post, link your url in the comments section. Or if you just want to share reflections in the comments, you are most welcome here friend.

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Arvarna mentioned this song to me a long time ago. Its so haunting and beautiful. Sometimes I hunger for love, other times my heart trembles at the thought, this song always moves me.

Brave.

The bears are sleeping at Vilhemina, hunkered down, preparing to raise cubs in the spring.

We arrive at night by propeller plane.

It is snowing as we cross the tarmac and I am grateful for the jacked loaned to me by one of our welcoming committee in Gothenburg this morning. We have travelled all day; on three separate flights, joined by friends along the way.

Anna & Anna join us in Gothenburg

Joy & Rita join us for the final flight from Stokholm to Vilhemina

on the tarmac

Eva meets us and bundles us into a warm, waiting car to cover the distance remaining to her and her husband, Per’s, new home. 

We wind our way along a road lined with birch and fur trees, their branches bravely holding up under the 40cm of snow that has fallen in the past week. Ice and softly falling snowflakes reflect the light from the headlights as Eva drives us north. 

Already I know that we have landed in a wonderful place, so strange, striking and crazy beautiful. 

It takes us 40 minutes to drive to ‘Heligfjall’, which means holy mountain in the language of the indigenous Sami people. A people who believe, that no land is ever owned except by God.

Heligfjall lies in south Lapland, just a few hundred kilometres shy of the arctic circle. It is the place that our friends, Eva and Per, have chosen to make their new home and to create a place of learning and growth they hope it will become a Gods Way of Love Learning Centre.

We turn into an arching driveway that just last week bore the prints of a passing lynx, and the small 2WD car fails at this final leg. So we walk to the house in the snow, dry, white and thick below our boots, and still falling gently upon our heads and faces. Per greets us with a warm hug and we pass into the kitchen complete with combustion stove and candles burning.

We have been up since 4 am and by now are bone tired but still we sit in the cosy kitchen for hours more, till past midnight, listening to the story of this couple and their adventures and turmoils of the past few months.

Per has spent his life a company man, a successful engineer working for a large car company. He has been accustomed to working amongst men and machines, to variables, which are concrete, controllable and fixable.

He tells us of a decision he made to finally remove the armour around his heart and soul, and to and heal emotionally. Within a few short months, this man with a Masters degree in Science but no experience in classrooms, now finds himself the Principle of a local high school. In this tiny outpost of community, where the local industries are fishing and hunting and teen pregnancy, unemployment and alcohol abuse are common, Per has challenged himself to become a leader and a creator of new possibilities for the youth that frequent his new office. His days are now filled with different, less controllable variables and he will freely admit that the armour is challenged and falling away. 

As Per tells his story I can feel what a gift this tiny school has been given. These people, this community has engaged his heart. What better gift to offer youth but a leader who is humble? A person who listens not just to the nuts and bolts of their stories but one who feels the nuance and hardship and wants to work with them to find new solutions. 

And we all reflect on the perfection of Gods Laws that always bring us exactly what we need in order to heal and serve well. The gifts are ever present and if we only trust in a Wisdom far greater than our own, not only do we receive but so often the opportunity to give our own gifts is created. 

My heart nearly bursts at the beauty and power of God to alter our souls towards joy if only that we follow our hearts in humility and a desire to love. But such journeys commence with sensations that feel like risk, and loss, and it is too easy to panic and clamour to know what next strange thing may lie just over the horizon. Courage is needed to take our first steps outside of what is comfortable and familiar, and I believe we will be called upon again and again to dig deep, and breathe hard and have faith. We may quake in our boots many times if we are to stay the course.

We finish our tea and smile at our friends. These people are brave - and it inspires me. 

  

Eva and Per will tell you such things are not comfortable or easy. But their growth is evident and adventure hangs like an excited newcomer in the air at Heligfjall.

The Gifts of Truth

I’ve been feeling inspired lately, recognising that

Change is possible

There is a quiet joy and celebration in me, as I notice “Wow, I’m different”

These are little changes, but they inspire me forward.

I am steeped in the quiet knowledge that

Courage is required if we are to truly Change

This quiet mantra is with me now. Not as an overbearing demand “You must change! You must grow!”

The cries of “If you don’t grow you aren’t worthy, if you’re not perfect noone will love you!” that have plagued me in the past are gone or fading.

Instead there is desire to change and grow. A deeper knowledge of Grace. And an understanding that

When we live in fear we loose sight of change

When we substitute fear for Truth in our lives, fear becomes our ruler, it restricts us, controls us, and limits our capacity to change. In fact fear screams at us “It’s not possible!” and without Truth we have nothing to combat the command.

I can see that the changes in me are only happening because I am growing a sincere desire to not only receive Truth about all things in my life, but also the willingness to live in Truth and to honour Truth at all times. This is where the courage bit really comes in!

But as always, when we step into more harmony with God, there are gifts.

I am finding, through my living and not just my thinking, that

One of the gifts of Truth is trust.

When a person is loyal to Truth – always and no-matter-what – the people around them can trust their word and their actions. A gift is born – the gift of closer bonds and deeper intimacy.

When I have the courage to live in Truth I literally feel the warms of God’s Love and Laws supporting me. Our relationship – the magic connection between me and my Creator (how humbling it is) – can truly commence. It is enabled by my willingness to acknowledge that it is He, not I, that controls how this Universe and the course of my life runs.

Fear, that harsh tyrant, would have me believe that I must control and protect every aspect of myself and my life, or all will be lost. This position places me, not only in opposition with all of the Loving Laws that God has created to guide me home to Him and who I truly am. But it also, in its arrogance, says that I must be the creator of who I am and what I become.

The Truth is something far more magical.

The Truth is that a Greater Hand than mine created me. He imprinted within me the design for a creature that I, in my current fear bound state, cannot even imagine. I must only surrender to His Love and Laws to enable the more beautiful, creative and loving creature to be born. 

Or it would be truer to say

I allow myself to be born again.

All of this grows, this trust in my Father, the deeper intimacy in my relationships, through my honour of Truth and thus my refusal to accept fear as my ruler.

Trust can only grow as we live in Truth.

In this season when there is such an emphasis on ‘gifts’ my wish for you, dear reader, is that you may begin to receive the gifts that Truth can bring to your life and to know that all things are possible with the One Who Loves the most.